Beards, Intelligence, and Lady Gaga

Let me throw out a hypothetical situation here. Say we’re on the bypass. I’m in my car. You’re in your car. We’re cruisin’ along. Guess what? I CAN SEE YOU. It has come to my attention that most of the driving population is under the impression that their vehicle functions as a sort of invisibility cloak. How wrong the driving population is. There are just some activities not meant to be performed behind the wheel. I’ve decided to compile a list of these said activities, all of which I have personally witnessed, written as a shout out to the driving population.

We Can Still See You (By We, I Mean Intelligent People, Who Realize That Windows Are Transparent)

1. Beard Trimming
Once upon a time I saw a man shaving his face in his rearview mirror. Your eyes should be focused on the road in front of you, not the hairs of your chinny chin chin.

2. Reading
If you are interested in expanding your knowledge of literature, increasing the amount of time you spend reading for leisure, or catching up on the latest addition to your book club, the place to do that is home. You’ve heard don’t drink and drive. It’s sad you need to be told not to read and drive as well. Gee people.

3. Picking Your Nose
First, nose picking is unacceptable. I don’t care who you are or where you are. Not. Acceptable. Second, no one wants to see you going to town picking the day away as they drive past you. Seriously. This just drives me up a wall and out a window. Is that not embarrassing? Because it’s gross. YUCKY.

4. Applying Eyeliner
Alright. I don’t know if this is just me, but driving + applying eyeliner = possible emergency room visit if you ask me. All I envision is some abrupt braking resulting in some major eye pain. Eyeliner is meant to be worn around your eye, not impaled halfway through it.

5. Singing and Such
Belting out the lyrics to the latest Lady Gaga song at maximum volume while flailing your arms and shaking your head to the beat like there’s no tomorrow just isn’t cute. There’s this little thing called control. You should look into it.

6. Kissing
There’s such a thing as quick little kiss, which is totally fine in most situations. And then there’s the kissing I happen to referencing right now. I won’t go into details. But. A stoplight is definitely not the place. And all I have to say about that is no. Just, no.